Unhappy marriage, on the verge of divorce? I suggest you think about these three points first

In the past received a lot of counseling messages, the number one being the marriage problem.

There are always visitors asking me, teacher, should I get a divorce? As a bystander outside the marriage, I have no right to answer.

But I know, moved the idea of divorce, they must be because they can not bear to suffer in the marriage, but due to the reality of many reasons, will choose the divorce.
1. Emotional control and control in marriage Xiao Yang and her husband met in a bar. After they met, they quickly got a marriage certificate. After marriage, Xiao Yang’s husband still likes to hang out with his three or four old friends in the bar and has no scruples about being a married man. Before Xiao Yang, she told her husband many times, asking him to collect his heart and not always put his mind outside. However, her husband refused to say that he was just going there to consolidate his brotherly relationship with his brothers and would not do anything wrong to her.

After all, the bar is a windy place, where their love was born, how can Xiao Yang believe that her husband will not be emotional with other women in the bar? So, Xiao Yang began to monitor her husband. Every night at six, eight, ten, twelve… Whenever she is working overtime, she sets her alarm clock in advance and makes a video call to her husband every two hours to check his location.

At first, her husband was very patient to take the video. But later, Xiao Yang played more and more video frequency, and Xiao Yang’s husband felt more and more suffocated under such control, and it was always too much trouble. To get rid of his wife’s control, he began to set the phone into flight mode one night, and Xiao Yang’s side, because the phone can not get through, and frantic thinking. She knew her husband’s whereabouts, so after work, she went straight to the bar to find out.

As she saw it, her husband was dancing happily in the wine pool, surrounded by several sexy girls, and the atmosphere was very ambiguous as if he still maintained the free and surging single state when he met him before.

2. Can divorce solve everything?

After that incident, the two of them had fierce arguments every day. When Xiao Yang found me, her mentality had completely collapsed.

She told me that all her friends were advising her to get a divorce and find a more stable man. Of course, she wanted to leave, why bother to compromise in marriage for a husband who was away from home all day? But she also knows that her hard work in these years, in exchange for a divorce, is not cost-effective, so it is repeatedly tangled, repeatedly measure, should divorce, divorce is right, lest make the wrong choice.

For Xiao Yang, I didn’t give her any advice at that time, because it was useless. I just gave her three suggestions from the perspective of marriage, so that she could carefully examine and consider the decision of divorce. At the same time, I also gave everyone a reference. Xiao Yang can not stand her husband to go to the bar, because she understands the occasion of the bar and avoids meetings and contact with the opposite sex. Under the influence of alcohol, she would also perform ambiguous and even transboundary behavior, but even though she knew this, her husband did not care about her feelings.

Therefore, the feelings and needs of both sides do not coincide, so the two people’s emotional index is down. But she didn’t think about why her husband was so “not listening to her”? Is it just because of the husband’s unilateral restlessness? She has some problems herself, but a lot of words, and she is not willing to disclose to me publicly. After communicating through WeChat, I learned that she was playing the role of a nanny in this marriage from the beginning, and all the affairs of the family were undertaken by her alone.

Her husband, however, skillfully avoided all the things that should have been done by his husband, so she would be trapped in them because of overpaying. Her idea of divorce stems from the fact that her inner needs have not been met, but she has not considered that the reason why her husband is used to leaving it behind and lingering in the bar is that she has never made any demands on her husband. Her husband in her conniving, also lets nature ignore her emotions and feelings.

Therefore, an unhappy marriage is essentially an unsatisfied inner need. You hope that the other party can give you more support emotionally, but you do not tell the other party your true thoughts, but use continuous pay to bind the other party’s love. The higher the cost, the lower your value, the higher the low achievement, and the loss of the initiative in the relationship, so controlling your partner’s behavior at this time will only make the relationship no longer controllable.

2. Do you have the strength to pay for a divorce? We all hope that divorce is a farewell to the wrong marriage ideal, but divorce is not an easy thing, you have to measure your choice. If you rely on your partner to meet your basic needs in a marriage, such as food, clothing, shelter, and transportation, and you have no source of income, then the first thing to do after a divorce is to become independent. If you are financially independent like Xiao Yang, the quality of life after divorce will not be too bad. But if you don’t have the strength to meet your basic survival needs, then after divorce you can only have two choices, either chew the old or drink the northwest wind.

Plus, if you have children, they will suffer too. Therefore, divorce is to bear the risk of future life. If you have the courage and strength to bear the risk, then you can choose divorce decisively and calmly. But if you are not strong enough and want to divorce, you can only suppress the impulse of your heart, tolerate the injustice of yourself for some time, try to improve your quality of life, and wait until you are sure that you will have a better life after leaving the other party, and then consider the decision of divorce.

3. Can you be happy with another person?

Many people will attribute the reasons for the failure of marriage to their partner, cry in front of their friends that they don’t know who they are, and think that marrying another person can solve all problems, but is it the case? Before marriage, the concept of marriage in everyone’s mind is blank and fuzzy, love suddenly stops, everything starts from the beginning, and no one from the boyfriend and girlfriend can skillfully switch into the role of wife, or husband. After all, marriage is not like a career, where you can intern before you get a job. Therefore, the road of marriage is explored by two people. In this marriage, Xiao Yang could not bear the behavior of her husband going to the bar, so she has been issuing orders from superiors to subordinates to her husband, stating her own needs in an imperative tone.

It starts as a command not to do something, and then it becomes an active control, which is very difficult for a man who needs his own space by nature to surrender. Therefore, there are contradictions in marriage, and both people have their own mistakes. If these mistakes are not changed, then even if they try to regain happiness using a divorce, they will still have the old problems before in the relationship with the new person, and finally, they will only repeat the mistakes in the cycle. Divorce is easy, marriage is difficult, and the more intimate relationship between people, the more likely to produce contradictions and conflicts, mutual tolerance and run-in, rectification and change, to let the emotional relationship back to the right way. So, Xiao Yang girls, don’t take divorce as the only way to solve the problem, the right way to get rid of difficulties and anxiety is to strive to strengthen themselves, become their haven, and then examine the value of marriage.

If there is room for marriage to turn around, might as well take it as their second home. Finally, I give you a word, “Love is the romance of two strong people, not the bitterness of two weak people.” May you and I be able to become strong in love! Write at the end: The final effect of this article is different from person to person. Because everyone’s growth environment, personality, understanding ability, and handling style are different, problems, emotional encounters, partners or affairs, and other factors are variables, and the dry goods and some cases we provide may not apply to you.

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