On the verge of divorce and feeling lost trying to rebuild your marriage? You have to listen to that

When we marry our lover, we always feel that we will go on forever and be happy for a lifetime. All the efforts are for the future of this family, never thought that one day will be divorced. Suddenly one day, the last straw was pressed down, and the marriage was on the verge of breaking down… Accumulated a lot of disappointment, from time to time flash the idea of divorce, but there are feelings for the family, hope for him, and panic about the divorce… This marriage, in the end from, or not from? All of us face difficult choices when our marriages are in crisis.

Has our relationship run out of water?

Is this the end of our marital destiny?

One more effort, will it work?

Should I hold out for my children?

Do divorced women have a good Second life?

Should I try to get more benefits through litigation?

Indeed, marriage is different from love, not to say a “break up” can be cut completely. So, many people are trapped in the vortex of “leaving or not leaving”, or out of old love, or out of the face, out of children, or out of fear… In short, I don’t know whether to go or stay, so I hesitate, struggle, suffer, and make do with a half-dead marriage. The reason why such a problem occurs is that you have some misconceptions about marriage evaluation. Having been engaged in marriage counseling for many years, I have found that many terminally ill marriages are “dragged out”, which is rooted in the lack of reasonable and effective methods when many people encounter emotional problems, resulting in increasingly serious problems.

If you are similarly confused about whether this marriage is worth continuing, you may wish to take a few minutes to read this article, I believe it will make you suddenly clear and redefine your marriage and life.

In relationships, there is a common psychological defense mechanism:

If I am cute, sexy, and beautiful, I will not be abandoned;

If I had high knowledge and self-restraint, I would not have been abandoned;

If I am small enough, very poor, depending on each other, the other side will pity me to take care of me, will not abandon me…

These strategies, to a large extent, come from our childhood.

For example, I grew up in a family where boys are preferred over girls. As a daughter, my parent’s love and attention are limited. Only if I study hard, excel, and be clever in life, can I get a foothold in the family. This childhood survival strategy eventually became imprinted in my subconscious mind and became the belief that I had to work hard to get relationships. These are all beliefs that keep us alive in childhood. But the terrible thing is that the more we pay with the imprint of childhood, the greater the crisis of our marriage.

For example, among the thousands of marriage cases I have experienced, there is one case in which the wife worked hard to help her husband’s career, but finally, the husband cheated on her, forced her to divorce, and sued for divorce. During my conversation with the husband, he wept a lot about the pain of marriage: being a man from the countryside, feeling despised by his wife’s entire family in the details of life. I recorded all these painful feelings and then played them back to my wife, who listened as if she hadn’t listened. Did I ask her why? Her answer: “I’m usually too busy taking care of my family to have more energy, so I just forget it.” The wife’s subconscious belief was that as long as I kept working hard to take care of the family, I could keep the marriage going.

This belief controlled her life like a spell, making her completely unable to see what the actual marriage was like, unable to see the fact that her husband never hated her for not paying enough, but the voice of her husband’s need for emotional communication was not heard or seen by the wife controlled by this spell. The subconscious curse of a bad childhood has led many women to believe that the more I pay, the more guilty he will feel if he wants to leave me, and he will not leave me. The truth is, guilt is the last thing humans want to feel. The sense of giving brings guilt to each other and is also a killer of intimate relationships, so many people would rather go out of the house, but also leave the marriage “siege”.

(Saving a marriage is a step-by-step process, and each step requires deliberation. Nor can we define in words what to do in the process of saving a marriage. If you are suffering from emotional confusion and need professional help, you can click the card below to get counseling contact information, and I will take you out of emotional difficulties one by one!)

When a person continues to sacrifice themselves and work hard in relationships, they will accumulate higher and higher moral capital. Moral capital acts as a dam that blocks the flow of love and intimacy; The higher the moral capital, the more dead the relationship. In addition, the sense of payment must be accompanied by resentment, the more pay, the heavier the resentment. I have often seen the Virgin in marriage with stiff, angry limbs and facial expressions. It can be imagined that no one wants to approach the bitter person, and the most frightening thing is that if such a bitter person controls a family, then the weakest child will not be schizophrenic or even commit suicide. Because the child carries her whole twisted resentment.

Why do they feel they are giving and sacrificing? Because the interpretation from the bone is that I do not love this relationship, I am conforming to you to sacrifice my metaphor, which translates to that I have never been able to love you in my life. Imagine that if a woman is shopping, she has a sore waist and sore legs at the end of the day. Perhaps she is buying things for her family, but she will certainly not complain that she has paid so much for the family today. Because women love shopping, and then hard are happy.

We are happy no matter what we do in what we love to do. When we truly love each other, we spend three hours preparing dinner for each other, and our hearts are sweet. When we truly love each other, ironing his clothes is also a kind of enjoyment. Of course, it is impossible to enjoy the present moment every moment, and it is inevitable to lose your temper and complain a few words. But on the whole, when we have love in our hearts, we don’t feel that we are sacrificing and paying for each other, because this is the life experience that I want.

If you can’t experience the flow of love in a relationship, you feel that doing something for this relationship is wasting your energy, so you will expect the other party to be grateful for their efforts, such as “Don’t leave me, because I have already lost a lot of me for you”. If you often feel that you are sacrificing and paying, and have resentment in your relationship, then you need to be aware of your life state: What beliefs are controlling your inner true intentions? I have always believed that the curse written to us by our unhappy childhood can be lifted, and the way to lift it is that we constantly become aware of our behavior and cognition in the details of life.

As soon as you find yourself giving, remind yourself to wake up and go back inside and ask yourself: What life experience do I want to create? Do I want to do this? For example, when cooking, if you find yourself complaining about the fumes, you can go back to your heart and ask yourself: Do I want to cook this meal? If you want to, enjoy cooking for yourself and your family with love. If you don’t want to, eating out or ordering takeout is also a good option. To do the same thing, we can choose whether to live in the prison of the delusion of paying for others or live in the free will of living for ourselves.

When we can wake up from the spell of the unconscious, realize that we exist, become a psychological adult, and create the life experience that our hearts truly want, we can naturally establish intimate flow.

I once watched a foreign video, the speaker is a single mother who has married three times, and her words made me deeply, so let’s take it as the conclusion of today’s share:

“Every man I met was wrong when I didn’t love myself; When I fell in love with myself, I realized that every man I met was the one for me, and I only regretted why I didn’t fall in love with myself sooner…” Write at the end: The final effect of this article is different from person to person. Because everyone’s growth environment, personality, understanding ability, and handling style are different, problems, emotional encounters, partners or affairs, and other factors are variables, and the dry goods and some cases we provide may not apply to you.

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